there there kitten: June 2008

June 22, 2008

Patience

Today as I was muttering angry words under my breath at my computer screen, I had a moment of clarity...I was getting frustrated and very upset at an inanimate object that could not in any way respond to my audible impatience at the slow speed it was moving to do what I wished. My computer, more specifically one of the computers where I work, could never answer me with, "Sorry, I'm almost there. " or "Please be patient, I'm doing my best.", no it can only grind away or freeze up and not give me any sort of calming answer to my angry wait.

Why was I getting so upset? Why was I frustrated with a piece of plastic and metal? What good would come of me muttering and clicking with all my might? Nothing. It happened to be running slowly this day and there wasn't much I could do other than wait or stop it and start again and wait some more.

So I waited.

I breathed deeply, and did something I hadn't done in quite some time....I asked God for patience.

I asked for patience with this machine, and patience with myself to keep calm and figure out what I needed to do to get my morning work finished and done well.

As many who know me are aware, I am NOT a patient person by nature. I am not slow to anger, I am not always as collected and as easy going as I can often come across.

No, not at all.

I am easily frustrated, quick to mutter or express my anger and not a fun person to be around when I am upset or wanting something to move faster, or work better.

As this moment of clarity came, it was quickly followed up by an almost providential message I felt directed straight to me: our Pastor preached on "Patience".

He has been speaking on the Fruit of the Spirit for the past few months and today happened to be his message on Nurturing Spiritual Growth with lead to the main point on Patience. Some of the message hit me right where I needed it. First was that we need a partnership between God and us in order to nurture our spiritual garden. Our maturity in God is in our hands, God gives us love and grace but we need to constantly be hand in hand with our creator in order to strengthen and assist our spiritual life to grow and flower and blossom into a life close to God. Yes, we can be saved, but it is up to us to strive towards something even greater and sweeter.

He also told a story of when he had learned to drive and he pleased himself with his ability to honk the car's horn when people cut him off, or drove to slowly, or frustrated him. Yet when he drove with his father, he was abashed by the way his dad never used his horn. He had let several perfect opportunities to honk. When he asked about this, his dad said, "Son, I find if you wait a moment or two longer, people are usually quick to correct their mistakes and then nobody is embarrassed and things will move along smoothly."

Speaking of patience, he used two roots of the word Patience, from the Greek:
"Makrothumia, Patience with People"
&
"Humpomone, Patience with Things".

People who utilize patience do not lose heart.

A Greek woman in our first service said there is a song in Greece that is still sung, about Hupomone, which says when you have it the skies turn bluer. How wonderful an image...the patient person's world can be enriched and they can see things not evident in their frustration.

I know I need patience, everyday, every week, I need patience with things and with people.

I want to be that strong, mature person, who can step back and let everyone have a moment to correct themselves and life will run more smoothly, be sweeter and more enjoyable.

Thanks God, for giving me the patience I need. Help me to not let the moment pass by when all I need to do is ask when I need it.

June 15, 2008

Falling

I had always thought I would fall in love early in my twenties; 21, 22, 25....that I would have found someone who 'liked' me, who wanted to spend time with me, who returned my feelings of love.

Looking back, I realize now that that image, the image of 'falling in love' that I held in such high esteem, was not a proper tableau. I thought falling in love with someone meant finding a connection, a common attraction, a two-sided siege of emotions. Yet, in my personal version of 'falling in love', I forgot that often the 'falling' only happens on one side of the equation. I had simply assumed that if it happened for me, it of course, would happen for the other person as well.

Consequently, I have fallen many times, fallen hard, on my own.

With my exuberant nature and zest for life, my 'falling' emotions were always bubbling up and over, showing through my face, my smile, my blushing cheeks, and by my seemingly out-of-my-control actions.

Right from a young age I was 'boy-crazy', admiring and continually keeping secret crushes on several boys and young men, both local and the typical unattainable celebrities. Accordingly, I would write notes, letters, sit close to, pin up posters, listen to music and generally make a silly fool of myself trying to get that certain guy to notice and appreciate me if I could.

True, these times remained limited mostly to my childhood, teen years and very early adulthood, yet I cannot help but realize that these vain attempts at gathering attention subtly continue on into my adulthood much less childish ways.

Once I was able to drive and had my own vehicle, driving someone home or picking someone up became the mode of attention seeking and appreciation I sought out most vigorously. I also gave generous gifts and offers of special events when they came my way. These were not attempts by any means to buy affection or attention, no, they were simply times to spend with someone, to be there for them and to show them that I cared.

And care I certainly did.

When I felt those feelings of attraction, not just physically, but emotionally, to the person in question, I made true and honest inquiries into their lives. I listened. I felt elated or sad when they did. I remembered everything and many times surprised them by how much they had shared and how often I remembered some insignificant fact of their lives. It wasn't just so I could repeat their life's story by rote, it was that I genuinely cared for them, with deep and passionate feelings that embraced everything about them as I furthered my knowledge of them and their lives.

I know now that what I knew, remembered and could recall at a moment's notice scared them sometimes... how had I found that out? or where had I heard that? From them, of course, but the telling meant more to me than it did to them. I had become a casual listening ear from them to speak 'at' and not really 'to'.

Now, in the very latter part of my twenties, I know falling in love for me has always been a heart-wrenching and time-consuming one-sided event in the relatively short timeline of my life so far.

I'm sure some of them cared about me, on some level; friendship, acquaintance, pal....yet I was never the recipient of what I so desired...mutual feelings of care and respect and love.

I know deep, passionate love would come over time, but all along, what I most wanted was even just the flicker of affection, the hug of appreciation or the look of a caring companion.

Falling in love never lived up to my expectations.

Falling in love had me falling time and again on my own, left behind, heart in hand, wishing I had never loved at all.

No, I amend that thought.

I have never regretted those I have loved, only perhaps the intensity with which I showed my affection.

Looking back, I often blush with the thoughts of some of my actions and reactions to those I wished returned my feelings. As an adult, I feel foolish and silly, wondering if I had backed off, would our lives have taken an alternate path? I think not. I know I have so much love to give and perhaps the passion I hold at the tips of my fingers may scare some, yet I hope, I know that some day, someone will cross my path and need the great love I have to give.

One day I will fall and there will be someone to catch me and hold me and walk with me.

One day I will truly fall in love.

Looking Back

I was flipping through my photos from a year ago, June 2007, and these few favourites popped out at me. I love this house and these foxglove flowers growing in the wild-ish garden out front. I put this first photo on the front cover of a weekly Bulletin at my church (because that's what I do) and I received several lovely comments and compliments on the pretty photo. Thanks!

I also remember walking along Dallas Road with Sophie, my dog, on this particular evening when the moon was shining so brightly. I appreciate the beautiful city I live in and I adore the beautiful creation God lets us live in.