The day I shaved off my hair and why.

As a kid I was a bit of a tom-boy...short hair, not really a girly-girl at all. I never cared much about hair until my late teens. Soon I had grown my thick hair long and was learning to do all sorts of tricky braids and twisty styles.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever shave all my hair off.

Almost one year ago I did it, without hesitation and with a smile. And for good reason.

Wait. Let me backtrack a bit.

All my life I've been a semi-closet hypochondriac (= excessive worry about having a serious illness).

I imagined the worst if I got a flu or a bad cold or if my knee or ankle or some other joint or muscle was hurting or sore. My over-active imagination led me to believe I had some exotic disease or some rare condition. Something, anything, was wrong.

No, I know, it's NOT at all amusing to imagine oneself with an illness.
And I'm NOT saying I was thinking up these unreal situations for fun, I was actually scared that I perhaps had whatever ailment I'd dreamed up, read about or researched.

It's also NOT that I wanted attention from thinking this way either. (Hence the "closet" part of being a hypochondriac.)

I do have a few people in my family, near and far, close and not-as-close, that have different types of diseases and struggle with a variety of illnesses.
Of course, I pray for them ALL the time and always hope for healing for them.

And of course I am so grateful that I enjoy good health and that most of the people around and closet to me are living and breathing with good or excellent health.

Last Autumn, however, things within my close circle of friends got serious, fast.

It was a wake up call for me.
Imaginary diseases were just that...imaginary.
Real life was about to barrel down upon my circle of friends like a runaway express train!

My dear and long-time friend, Tricia, let us know that she had found a lump in her breast and was getting it checked out.

Full stop.

My heart hit the floor as she told me this one evening at my house on our weekly girls get together before the other girls arrived.

I stayed calm and listened and let her explain. 

Yes, she'd found it herself and was going for an ultrasound soon.

My own little imaginary worries faded and I was instantly alert to the fact that this was serious.
My friend would need love and support and our friendship would be stretched in a way it had never been tested before.

Weeks went on and after an ultrasound and biopsy we received a group message from Tricia detailing how she had been called into discuss the mass the doctors had tested.

It was cancer.

That word!
That terrible, scary, uncertain word.

My own mind whipped between frenzied denial and heart-wrenching sadness but also shocked amazement...we had just been on a wonderful camping trip and my lovely friend had known this news all along. And in her own strength and dignity, she hadn't wanted to spoil the trip with this serious news.

In my eyes, Tricia embodied ever essence of what it means to be strong.

In the past when other crisis have hit, I've heard words that others close to her have used to describe her, "she's a trooper" or "amazing" or "rock star".

I officially add strong to that list.

Things moved swiftly after that.

Surgery was scheduled and the night before, we gathered at her house. A few of us girl friends along with her mom, who flew in right away after hearing the news, prayed over Tricia and her family.
The surgery came and went.
The lump was removed along with a few lymph nodes to test.

We made some meals for Tricia and her household to help take off some of the worries with something as simple as food.
It was something little we could do.

A few weeks passed and Tricia was expecting to hear about upcoming possible treatment.
She was called in and explained that she would need to start chemotherapy treatment right away.
That, in itself, was a blow.
She would lose her hair, probably be tired, and sick to some degree.
She shared this information with us all and we all kept praying. Hard.

Before her first treatment she needed to have a CT scan of her internal organs in order to have a clear understanding of what was presently going on verses how her body would look during and after her stint of chemo.
After that scan her doctors called both Tricia and Justin in to go over the scan results.
The consensus was not at all good.
The cancer had already began spreading.
It had spread to her liver and bones in her chest and back as well.

This news stunned us all.

How could this be? How could my dear friend be put through this? How could this have escalated so quickly? How could they not have seen this from the first few test? How would this affect her treatment? What on earth could I say or do to help or support her?

If my own reality was rocked by this news, I'm certain it all but crumbled Tricia's world.

I was so very grateful that her mom was staying with her and that she already had friends, family and her church family praying for her.

Tricia may not think of herself as strong, but I saw it.

I saw a young Mom who kept her family going, doing the normal Mom things and cherishing her family but not letting what she went through to upset their normal routines.
I saw a wife who is best friends with her husband and always has been a "rock star" to him.
I saw a friend who wasn't too proud to accept our offering of food, goodies, babysitting and beyond. A friend who is honest but reserved. A friend who isn't too shy to let us tell her story if only it means that more and more people would be praying for her and her family.
Prayer.
She needs it. Her whole family needs it.

I believe that God hears our prayers.
I know He has a plan and we cannot see the entire plan, just tiny pieces once in a while.
I know God wants us to seek Him and trust that He works for good.

Tricia began chemotherapy and after her first treatment she did well, not sick, a little tired, but no major reactions.
After her second treatment I was looking after her boys when she came home.
The second drug they gave her caused a horrible reaction to her system.
I was so glad her mom was here and with her, as she was able to alert the nurses right away.
She was pumped with Benadryl and filled us in when she got home.

After the first and second treatment Tricia's hair already started to fall out. After trying to keep it as long as possible, she finally decided to have Justin take the clippers to her head that week.

Not long after she posted a photo of her new, shaved 'do (for which she received some rightly deserved rave reviews on her totally gorgeous and striking facial features!) two of us girl friends decided to made good on our promise that if her hair came off...so would ours!

We wanted to do it for the right reasons and spoke privately to Tricia first.
She thought we were crazy, and told us we didn't have to.
We knew we weren't obliged to take this drastic step but we told her if it only succeeded in making her laugh, it would have been worth it.
As it was, we quickly whipped together a fundraising campaign for our "Double-Header for Tricia". Both Crystal and I would shave our heads with a goal of raising $1000 for Cancer research AND $1000 for Tricia directly. We were blown away by the generosity of those around us! (including a few donations from friends of friends who didn't even know Tricia and even a donation from a social media friend as far away as Scotland!!)

That Friday night we gathered at Tricia's house and plugged in the clippers.
We let Tricia take the inaugural buzz from Crystal's head first and then finished off with my own.
 I wasn't scared or nervous...well not too much.
 It was, after all just hair. It would grow back.
And yes, if it made our dear friend laugh for a while, then why wouldn't we do it?

We snapped a few photos and video clips (here's one, and another!) of our freshly shorn heads and laughed, played some card games and talked late into the night. (I did have one moment of weakness when I suddenly asked Tricia where she had bought the nice little warm cloth hat she was wearing that night...I was a little overwhelmed for a moment, but it passed as boy did we laugh!)

A few thoughts I've had over this year of going from shaved head to hair again....

1. Who knew one's head could be so dang COLD!! Winter was not our friend with no hair!
2. Scarves and hats were my best friends for a few months! I even ordered some pretty scarves online on one panicky day when I felt like my head was naked. 
3. Having no hair or really short hair was really quite liberating! No blow-drying, no products, no fussing. Just get up and go.
4. Watching our close friend have to wait longer until her hair started to grow back was difficult. I still hope she doesn't resent us for our crazy head-shave. I know that looking at us may have reminded her of what was going on, but in our hearts, we didn't want her to feel like the only one with a visible difference. We were proud to have no hair, if it meant that she didn't feel so singled out and so different. 
5. It's been awesome to see Tricia embrace her new CURLY hair and rock an awesome purple mohawk as it grows back in!!! Not many women could pull off such a bold look, but our Tricia certainly can!

That night was almost one year ago and since then Tricia has continued to be a solid rock.
She's undergone many treatments, a few adverse reactions, annoying rashes, painful picc lines, surgeries, good days, bad days, numerous scans and appointments.

A groups of us continue to bring her family meals once a week. Just one less thing she needs to worry about and one little thing we can still do to show her we love her and support her. (If you'd like to be added to the list, email me and let me know!)

She recently had some scans and comparatively, all the small spots on her liver were gone and the larger spots were noticeably much smaller, too! The spots on the bones in her chest had also shrunk!
She moved from having chemo twice every three weeks down to once every three weeks, and as I understand it, it's the type of chemo that "maintains". She will continue to alternate having ultra sounds and CT scans to keep seeing the progression of her shrinking spots or to see no spots at all.
And just a few weeks ago her oncologist said things are looking "really good"!

Please continue to pray for Tricia.
Pray that she stays well and continues to feel strength and love from us all and from God. We believe that God can use doctors and medicine as well as His healing touch to keep her healthy and well!
Pray for her husband, Justin, that he has peace and strength and that they always have what they need to keep their family happy and healthy.
Pray for their two young sons, that they may always know love and happiness and compassion for others.

I pray for anyone reading this blog. If you or someone you know has cancer or another illness, I pray that God would work in your lives to restore health and peace and strength.

Thank you for reading, and as always, I value your comments and will always respond back.

Take care of yourselves, be kind and courageous!!
 #prayfortricia

PS - FYI - I did speak to Tricia before posting this. :)

Love's Secret: A Risk Worth Taking

I've mentioned before that I love poetry.
I love the lilt, the play with language and wording.
I love the visual imagery a poet can create for their reader with a simple line of thought.

William Blake is one of my favourite poets.

Not only did he draw out wonderful imagery from his words, but he was a talented and other-worldly artist, creating art from metal etchings that most often included the poems themselves.

Some of his works are difficult to look at, with drastic themes and angry undertones. Yet, many I can appreciate for their simplicity and beauty.
 
This poem, "Love's Secret" is short and simple but deep.

The subject is describing what it was like to finally voice his love only to have his hopes dashed.
His affection is rejected and the object of his love is eventually whisked away by another. Sad.

Blake does hint, though, that if you never voice your love, it will never come into being.
Love only happens when it is proclaimed and admitted. 
For him, that love was lost.

Love is a risk, no matter how you seek it out.
You can never risk the good without risking the bad.

Perhaps I'm feeling a little melancholy tonight, since this poem, though a little sad, feels sweet to me.

Love's secret is just that...a secret, an inward longing, unless risked to have a voice.

"Love's Secret"
by William Blake

Never seek to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind doth move
Silently, invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart,
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.
Ah! she did depart!

Soon after she was gone from me,
A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly:
He took her with a sigh.

What's your story?

There are many metaphors for life.

Running the race.
Traveling on a journey.
Sailing the course.

My favourite has to be that our lives are a story.

There is a beginning...we are born.
There is a middle...we live.
And there is an end...you guessed it, we die.

YET, your story doesn't have to seem so standard, cookie-cutter, or so depressingly final.

If you believe at all in God, know that He loves you and He thought about you before you were born.
 Your beginning wasn't just some random dot on a timeline.
 God knew you before you began.

And if you believe in a heaven then you know that if you've chosen to trust God and grow close to Him, we will live forever in His amazing presence.
 Our end isn't stuck here in an aging world.

As for the middle?

Well, we are living it everyday.
Like the lyrics above tell us, all the little things that you've stumbled over, all those walls you've smacked up against, all the pits and holes along the way, they just become a part of your story.
They are not the end.
They don't define you and what and who you are.
They are footnotes, character flaws that make us unique.

Whatever you are searching for, or whatever path you are on, it doesn't have to be final.
You can change your mind.
You can find peace and love and wholeness.

It's not a calling to an easy life.
You will be set apart and mocked and looked down upon.
But those are just pages in your story. 
They are not the focus.

Centre yourself around what really matters.
Find your way in this muddled up world towards something greater than our selfish tendencies.
We can try to be 'good' until we exhaust every volunteer or donation opportunity but that simply isn't enough.

We need to find our way to the love of God.

You may read my blog and not agree with me. That's ok.
I just think it's time I shared what I believe.
I want to make sure it's clear.
And I care enough about all of you to make sure you know about it, too.



My life is nowhere near what I thought it would be.
And that's ok.

If I was no longer alive tomorrow I know it would not be the end.
I have a faith, a trust and a hope in something greater than myself.

You can have it, too.

What do you hold onto? 
What's YOUR story?

Out Of Hiding (Father's Song)
by Steffany Gretzinger

Come out of hiding, you’re safe here with me
There’s no need to cover what I already see
You’ve got your reasons, but I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown and I hold the key

Cause I loved before you knew what was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles my victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home

And I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate everything
No need to be frightened by intimacy
Just throw off your fear and come running to m

And oh as you run, what hindered love
Will only become part of the story 

Baby you’re almost home now
Please don’t quit now
You’re almost home to me 

Dear Date...The Deserted Thirties

Join me for a series on my blog entitled "Dear Date..." 

where I share my insights and anecdotes into the exciting and often frustrating world of dating.

Previous topics in my "Dear Date..." series:
Are you Ready? Communication is Important! Internet Dating Dos & Don'ts.  Venue & Conversation Tips. And the most important...First Lesson: Have a Job."

Yes, I am in my thirties.
And no, I have not ever been close to being engaged, or married.
I am single.

Yes, that's right, I am single and not only am I in my thirties, I am exactly in my mid-thirties!
When did that happen?!?

Being in my thirties and single feels like being inside a black hole or the Kalahari desert.
Way off in the distance there is a glimmer or hope, of civilization, but where I am now it feels like no one understands. It feels lonesome, scary and a flickering contrast between being in the stark blinding spotlight or in the eerie blackness of invisibility.

Sometimes it even kind of feels like I'm a oddity at some old-timey side show.A man with a greasy mustache should be barking out to the crowd, "Step right up folks, behind this here curtain you will see a wonder of wonders, the very unique and rarely-before seen creature ever you laid eyes upon....it's the one and only, heavily endangered Thirty-Something Singleton! Yes, we have ourselves a real odd ball you ain't never gonna see anywheres else! Pay yer quarter and take a gander at 'er!"

I know it's not all that bad.

But some days it sure feels like I'm some alien that no one can comprehend.

My single 30's brain and heart work and tick so differently from everyone else.
They try to understand, oh yes, they try, but some days we need to flip through the yellow pages and find that ever-elusive ad for a single-to-non-single language and feelings interpreter.

You see, if you've been married or are married, young or old, you tend to forget what it's like.
Or you never even knew what it was like because you've never spent this many single years on your own.
You've never watched every one of your friends get married and have kids. 

Or if you have been married and now find yourself single and in your 30s, I'm sure you feel similarly confused and mislabeled.
Are you a "family" person now? Or back to being with the "singles" crowd?
And most of the "singles" around you are still in their 20s and either still in school or too young to even think about marriage yet.

Being single and 30-something is a rarity, and it is esspecially compounded by being single and Christian and 30-something! The veritable dating "pool" around you is shrinking eponentially by the milisecond or it does not even exist.
I'm not in my 20's anymore.
I'm not interested in dating forever or just for fun.
Most importantly, I'm not willing to sacrifice my beliefs just to settle down for the sake of just having someone.

I'm single. And I'm okay with that fact. 

For now.

Dear Date, if you find yourself in a similar situation, don't lose hope!

It's a desert out here, but on the horizon I see an oasis....or is it another mirage?

At the moment, I can't tell...but it's something.

(* As always, these amazing illustrations are courtesy of one of my favourite websites: explodingdog.com)

Dear Date...Are you ready? I think I am!

Join me for a series on my blog entitled "Dear Date..." 

where I share my insights and anecdotes into the exciting and often frustrating world of dating.

Previously on my "Dear Date..." series:
"I'm in my 30s, single and a Christian. The dating pool is so very small. It's difficult to meet people. Communication is Important! Internet Dating Dos & Don'ts.  Venue & Conversation Tips. And the most important...First Lesson: Have a Job."

There, you are all caught up, or you can go back to read my previous episodes and have a good chuckle.

It's been 2 years since my last "Dear Date" post and I can actually say that I am refreshed and rejuvenated from that little hiatus in dishing out the details of decent dating dos and don'ts.

I will also admit that I have let lapse whatever internet dating sites I was previously on and subscribed to.
I needed a break from the constant window shopping and judging on both sides of the computer monitor.
This is not to say that I won't ever try internet dating again, just not at the moment.

In the meantime, I've done a bit of introspective work in setting my own goals and getting my own heart in the right place to go forward into the world of singleness.

I'm not 100% certain, but perhaps 92.3% sure that I am, in fact, quite ready to  be in a relationship with someone.

 

Looking back, I was not at all ready.
I was a poor personal communicator, I was a little too focused on what I didn't have and not dwelling on all I should be thankful for, I wasn't taking time to truly enjoy my life the way it was and I rarely made an effort to meet new people and make new friends outside of my small circle.

Lately, I am enjoying life much more and taking time to find joy over sorrow. I am having fun at both my job and my hobbies and I am trying to be an encourager and a can-do type of person. I am branching out of my inner circle of best friends and making an effort to hang out with new people and get to know some acquaintances much better...and having a blast at the same time!! (Bonfires & BBQs!!!)

Mostly, I've had a real and amazing experience with God over the past few months (I'm sure I'll be sharing more on that soon), where He has taught me a few things and reassured me of many more.

I am daily seeking to find JOY and taking steps to try and be much more BRAVE than I used to be.

As far as dating is concerned, yes, I am still trying to find a good catch in small pool consisting of datable, single, Christian men, but I am not worried or anxious. I am TRUSTING God to lead me and direct me as I do my part to BE MYSELF.

So, "Dear Date", today my advice to you is the same advice I have needed: 

•  Seek JOY in your life. Joy in the things that make you happy and joy in the little bits of life that we tend to gloss over and look past. 
• Be BRAVE. Take a risk and hang out with some new people. Talk to some of them. Find out more about them and keep in touch. Do things that scare you a little and know that you CAN DO it! Or at least you can try!!
• BE YOURSELF. You don't ever have to be anyone else, just BE YOU, but be you fully alive! 
• Lastly, some advice that I need to be reminded of daily - If you believe in God, TRUST Him and let Him be your ALL. He knows the deepest desires of your heart and if you seek him first He will reward you with amazing things!

 To all you single people out there, have an excellent day, week, month, year and may your journey be full of fun, laughter, challenges and may you be on your way towards amazing relationships!!


(* As always, these amazing illustrations are courtesy of one of my favourite websites: explodingdog.com)

Knowledge, Action, Happiness

Photo Credit: Tony Roberts Flickr

I'm learning to move forward.

Not only am I learning-with-my-head to move forward, I am actually moving forward.

I'm taking knowledge into practice and letting my actions follow through.

I'm letting go of frustrations before they overwhelm me.

I'm releasing anger before it consumes me.

I'm patching up past hurts as I heal and not letting them linger.

Moving forward means I am allowing God to help me, to calm me and to heal me more and more.
I'm also verbally thanking God more than I used to. 

Oh sure, I thanked Him and knew all the good things He's given me, but I am actually saying it out loud whenever I think of something to be thankful for. Which, incidentally, is quite often.

It lifts my soul to be able to move forward from the negative and feel the positivity of love and gratefulness flow through my veins.

A mid-February Love Story.

Oh yes, it's February 14th...Valentine's Day or Singles Awareness Day...or just another Friday.

Yes, I am single.
Yes, I am fully aware.
And yes, I have yet to date someone and have that relationship coincide with this auspicious day.

However, today I am thinking of more than just candy hearts, or flowers, or chocolates or the countless date night photos I see plastered all over social media.

Today I am thinking of a love story from my own ancestry.


I am thinking of a young soldier with red hair stationed in northern BC over 60 years ago and a feisty small-town girl, eight years his junior.

I am thinking of how he must have smiled at her, gazing through those beautiful hazel eyes and how her cheeks must have blushed.

I wonder how they spent their first ever Valentine's Day. Perhaps a card or note was exchanged, or flowers or another gift. Maybe a walk together, holding hands, talking of nothing or maybe planning their future together.

Pops, Grandma & Me

I don't know all of their stories, but I do know of a great love that began a legacy that continues in my own life.

A legacy of cherishing family.

A great love for God and others.

A fieriness and a spirit that is stubborn and strives to live and not let tragedy or difficult circumstances rule.

 My grandparents showed me how to love.

They showed me how to treat others.

They oozed God's love and proved that trusting God may not be easy, but it's worth letting go and letting God work through your life.

They showed me that no matter what background you come from or what hardships you face, you can surround yourself with sorrow or you can live another day and find joy. It is a choice.

Pops, Grandma & Me on a road trip to Hyder, Alaska for the day.

They also taught me that we do not have to make this choice alone. If we choose joy, God will bring it. Maybe not in the way we asked, but He will reward us and lead us toward the joy He knows will enrich our lives and show others the way towards Him.

Grandma Dot, what a lady!

I am thinking of my Grandmother tonight, as she is surrounded by a few family members and nurses and doctors in a hospital bed in the north.
I am remembering.

And I am thanking God, though I feel a stab of grief at the thought of her fading away. She loved. She is loved. She will be forever loved by those who knew her. She is always a thought ahead and always has a witty, cheeky word to say.
She is a woman like no other.

I am thinking of how I would like to live.

Like my grandparents lived. 

Choosing joy.
Loving others.
Trusting God.

Happy February 14th.

It is an Ever-Fixed Mark...

 

I am a poetry girl.

I love many forms of poetry but at the heart I am a lover of Shakespeare and other cleverly crafted texts.

(And no, I do not mean 'texts' that come to you via some sort of small hand-held electronic devices.)

I mean 'texts' that have been handed down, translated, spoken, hand-scribed, illuminated, decorated, performed, typed, published and treasured throughout history.

Of course, what I love are...Books!

I love a variety of books. Books that contain stories or poems, short or long.

Today I turned to two of my favourite poems, sonnets by William Shakespeare.

Star Light, Star Bright...

Last night when I got I home after spending some time with a good friend, I took Willow, my two-year old Westie for a nice walk around my neighbourhood.

The air was cool but it wasn't windy so it felt lovely after the few warm days we've had. And as we walked I noticed that the sky was so clear and full of bright stars. We walked down to one of my favourite little spots right on the ocean front and I just stared up at the sky for a while.

There were bright, sparkling stars that seemed to flicker and twinkle as if they were candles in the windows of the heavens. There were faint dots of light I could barely make out with my tired eyes that blanketed the background of the sky. There were also a few moving specs of light, satellites sailing across the dome above us, circling our world and giving us information or connecting us in ways I can't explain.

Walking Uphill - it's not as bad as you'd think.

Someone recently told me that I needed to update my blog...I guess that means that a few people at least actually read my blog from time to time. So. here I am updating and writing.

My fear of the blank page is being thwarted once again! Horrah!

Many, many things have happened since I last wrote a meaty, beefy, full post!

So it's almost February...

Yes, yes, it is almost February...where did January go?

We had a sprinkling of snow, some rain, a visiting elephant seal to my neighbourhood, an awesome Narnia Winter Fest, I saw a few good movies, rented a few duds...and now it is soon February.
The month of Love.
Sure.

I'm usually one who likes all the stereotypical Hallmark holidays...decorating and dressing up for whatever the occasion, but lately I'm beginning to have a new outlook on holidays and special occasions. I am realizing that instead of going overboard on the frills and gimmicks of the season, we should be paying attention to the daily little things. We should be constantly reminding our friends and loved ones of how much we appreciate each other. We should take time out to do something nice for someone else, not because it's a special day or week, but because we truly care about them.


I know I am not the greatest for expressing how I feel sometimes, but I am going to try and make a conscious effort to share my appreciation for those around me. I'm going to try and compliment people more, have more patience and understanding and not get oversensitive and hurt over things that really don't matter.

I've been working through some underlying issues with how I express myself and I know that my character needs a lot of fine tuning and delicate shaping. I have many regrets over things I haven't said, things I have said, or ways I have acted that have hurt others, but I can only hope to learn from all those bumps in the road.

If any of my friends are reading this blog, both near and far, please know that I care about you. I appreciate you and all your talents and abilities. Whether I talk to you once a week or once a year, know that I wish the best for you, and if there is anything within my power to do for you, please let me know.

For those far away, I miss you and wish I could see you more often!
For those close by, let's make some time to hang out again soon!

I cherish my friendships and hope those that call me a friend feel the same way. I know we can injure each other sometimes, but I sincerely hope that after some time we all can have the courage to mend what is broken and not give up on the years of trust, care and laughter that have built up into strong friendships.
I am always here to talk to if anyone needs a listening ear.

I am saying all this, not to sound like some great, together person, but a person under construction, trying my best to become the caring and loving woman that I know God wants me to be. I still have my faults but I know together as friends we can all learn from each other and be there for one another.

This was not a particular message to anyone just something I felt I needed to say, more for myself than for any of you. Yet I hope you who are reading know that I am trying my best to be there for my friends when they need me and to slowly chip away at the parts of me that are unpleasant.

Thanks for reading, I always love it when people leave me comments or feedback.

Falling

I had always thought I would fall in love early in my twenties; 21, 22, 25....that I would have found someone who 'liked' me, who wanted to spend time with me, who returned my feelings of love.

Looking back, I realize now that that image, the image of 'falling in love' that I held in such high esteem, was not a proper tableau. I thought falling in love with someone meant finding a connection, a common attraction, a two-sided siege of emotions. Yet, in my personal version of 'falling in love', I forgot that often the 'falling' only happens on one side of the equation. I had simply assumed that if it happened for me, it of course, would happen for the other person as well.

Consequently, I have fallen many times, fallen hard, on my own.

With my exuberant nature and zest for life, my 'falling' emotions were always bubbling up and over, showing through my face, my smile, my blushing cheeks, and by my seemingly out-of-my-control actions.

Right from a young age I was 'boy-crazy', admiring and continually keeping secret crushes on several boys and young men, both local and the typical unattainable celebrities. Accordingly, I would write notes, letters, sit close to, pin up posters, listen to music and generally make a silly fool of myself trying to get that certain guy to notice and appreciate me if I could.

True, these times remained limited mostly to my childhood, teen years and very early adulthood, yet I cannot help but realize that these vain attempts at gathering attention subtly continue on into my adulthood much less childish ways.

Once I was able to drive and had my own vehicle, driving someone home or picking someone up became the mode of attention seeking and appreciation I sought out most vigorously. I also gave generous gifts and offers of special events when they came my way. These were not attempts by any means to buy affection or attention, no, they were simply times to spend with someone, to be there for them and to show them that I cared.

And care I certainly did.

When I felt those feelings of attraction, not just physically, but emotionally, to the person in question, I made true and honest inquiries into their lives. I listened. I felt elated or sad when they did. I remembered everything and many times surprised them by how much they had shared and how often I remembered some insignificant fact of their lives. It wasn't just so I could repeat their life's story by rote, it was that I genuinely cared for them, with deep and passionate feelings that embraced everything about them as I furthered my knowledge of them and their lives.

I know now that what I knew, remembered and could recall at a moment's notice scared them sometimes... how had I found that out? or where had I heard that? From them, of course, but the telling meant more to me than it did to them. I had become a casual listening ear from them to speak 'at' and not really 'to'.



Now, in the very latter part of my twenties, I know falling in love for me has always been a heart-wrenching and time-consuming one-sided event in the relatively short timeline of my life so far.

I'm sure some of them cared about me, on some level; friendship, acquaintance, pal....yet I was never the recipient of what I so desired...mutual feelings of care and respect and love.

I know deep, passionate love would come over time, but all along, what I most wanted was even just the flicker of affection, the hug of appreciation or the look of a caring companion.

Falling in love never lived up to my expectations.

Falling in love had me falling time and again on my own, left behind, heart in hand, wishing I had never loved at all.

No, I amend that thought.

I have never regretted those I have loved, only perhaps the intensity with which I showed my affection.

Looking back, I often blush with the thoughts of some of my actions and reactions to those I wished returned my feelings. As an adult, I feel foolish and silly, wondering if I had backed off, would our lives have taken an alternate path? I think not. I know I have so much love to give and perhaps the passion I hold at the tips of my fingers may scare some, yet I hope, I know that some day, someone will cross my path and need the great love I have to give.

One day I will fall and there will be someone to catch me and hold me and walk with me.

One day I will truly fall in love.

A look back....

As you can see, my blog has a new look for 2008....and it is a look back over my year of 2007.
I've had Camping trips, road trips, family trips, youth conventiuons, youth camp, weekends, walks, dinners, BBqs, and Galas.
I've spent time with family far and wide, friends closer and new, my lovey-dove Sophie and on my own.
My face has smiled, laughed, cried, sported swirls and sparkles, stickers, gazed in wonder, grimaced, flinched, squeezed eyes shut, frowned and relaxed.
I've heard new music, watched new movies, tried new foods, travelled across two provinces and up island, played with new gadgets and moved into a new home.
I've seen babies born, remembered loved one gone on and been a listening ear to those still here with me.
My world hasn't changed all that much; same job, same friends, same city, same life....but I can honestly say that at this point last year I was younger, more naieve, less thoughtful, and not as wise.
I may not feel as strong or as confident as I someday wish to feel, but I know that everyday I am learning and loving and walking my journey as best I can.
I know I am supported by my relationship with my Heavenly Father as well as my wonderful earthly family, my dear friends, my work and church family and even by those who say a prayer for me once in a while.
I thank you all for your part in making this past year an exciting, moving, fun, delightful, challening and insightful year.
I step forward without knowing what lies ahead, yet I trust my foot falls where it should. I can only hope to love more, learn more and grow more at each step I take.
May God bless you and your world this year, too!

This is my favourite photo I've taken from 2007:

New Favourites - Classic Drama

These past few days I have come down with a most dreadful cold, suffering aches and pains, various maladies of the head and throat, with added congestion and now coughs.
Therefore, I headed to my local movie rental house, in which I always seem to find treasures of entertainment and amusement of all kinds.
On these last few occasions I happened upon a quite large British Drama section housing many famous titles and proudly displaying the BBC logo. I passed over many I had already enjoyed, and in fact own, such as the BBC mini series "Pride and Prejudice", and the films of "Mansfield Park" and "Sense and Sensibility". I roamed on over the various selections and found several new mini series and films I had not yet discovered. As I was in need of some relaxing entertainment on my days off work on sick leave, I ventured forth and decided to take home a few new-to-me discs.

First I played the mini series "North and South", based on the novel by Elizabeth Gaskell, and was thoroughly delighted! I hadn't even realized that I had only brought home disc 1 of 2, so on the abrupt ending of the first disc late one night, I cried out and eagerly bundled up and walked back to the store the next day to find disc 2 and finish off the tale.
For more information on this series see the brief description on the BBC website here.
The second series I delved into was another work of Gaskell's called "Wives and Daughters". Apparently this was the last novel written by the 18th century author which was left incomplete as she died before she tied all the loose ends. Having not read the novel and have nothing to compare the film to, I greatly admire the way the BBC ended this series.
See more information on the Internet Movie Database website here.

Finally, found a Jane Austin novel adaptation of "Persuasion" that I had not yet seen. This film had me enthralled by the tension, the mishaps and miscommunication. All the characters come to life in a very realistic way, more so, I think, than any other period drama I have encountered. Somehow, these families look and feel so very lifelike and plausible. I am also now in admiration of the actor Ciarán Hinds (yes, I do realize he is way too old for me!)

More information on the IMDB here.

I am now inspired and determined to find these novels and begin reading the original texts.

I highly recommend all of these films to you, if you desire a strong dose of romance, silly dysfunctional families, lovely dear friends, heart-squeezing reconciliations and throat-closing proclamations of love!!!