Write 31 Days - Aware

I've always been a sensitive person. I take what others say and do and have a very difficult time not taking it to heart. I'm sensitive but sometimes you won't know it.
I tend to laugh off how I really feel, or bottle my emotions up so everything on the surface looks okay.

In fact, Okay or Fine are part of my everyday language.
Often times I feel like I *need* to be "Okay"or "Fine".
If I'm not those things...then I'd have to actually deal with not being fine or okay.

A lot of my time growing up I was the glue.
I was the glue in between friendships at school, I was the glue for family to keep everyone laughing, I was the glue that helped situations stick together. And when I couldn't be the glue, I could at least bounce between groups who weren't getting along and still be friends with everyone.

I was aware of what everyone was feeling and I'd always try to compensate. I'd try to fix, to mend, to stick back together whatever had broken down just by lightening the mood.

Somewhere along my journey, being aware and feeling...well, ALL of the feelings around me, it became too much.

In addition to trying to make everyone around me get along, or laugh or feel good, I wasn't good at expressing my own real, deep-down emotions and they'd build up until they would overflow.
Words had hurt me. But I had buried how deeply they had cut. I had been burned and let down and used a few too many times to trust easily again. 

So somewhere, sometime, I turned down my "aware-ness" radar.
I limited who I let in and who I chose to be around.

I didn't turn it completely off, mind you, my dial went from say, a 10 down to a 2 or 3.
I now have a close-knit group of friends on whom I can depend and care for in turn.

I've been working on some things in my life over the past year and slowly I'm finding ways to healthily deal with my own emotions and past feelings, but also learning how to deal with interacting with those around me.

I don't mind that I'm a sensitive person. I'm learning how to process when words get too hurtful or too close to stinging me and not to let myself get tread on too much. I'll speak up, or try again, or just let things slide off.

I'm aware and I'm making a conscious effort to get better at just doing life.

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